I have lost my why in the pandemic, in a much less dramatic way than many have, and 2020 flown by without my feeling like I have much to show for it. My thinking has become a lot more nihilistic, I see people work hard have their life purpose taken away from them, I see people get lucky and have their lives set, we all meet our maker and I doubt s/he has time to hear just how innovative / kind / diligent each of the 7.5 billion of us have been. I compare my shift in attitude to a wonderful husband who starts to masturbate to curvier porn stars as his own wife plumps up, though with me it lacks the romance.
Actually, this started before the pandemic. I always admired Adam's ability not to care what others thought, to have the confidence in his convictions. I tried to emulate that. That's one thing. I'm proud that I ditched that shitty friend of mine. I'm glad I slaved over a dream job application and failed, not once but twice. I try not to question my decisions, but I still do almost constantly.
Going back further, and in a different way, I've always been attracted to pursuits for the sake of them. Not specifically seeking out things to do that are pointless, but being interested in languages, hearing other people's life stories, trying out new careers just because. That's what drew me to a Zoom singalong with the Tuneless Choir, and how I found myself cooking the most bastardised version of fried rice for 120 at the community kitchen. I like having projects, but I haven't found one that I can fully occupy my time with. For now I guess that's OK?
I'm enjoying an obsession with sourdough, and I've filled the house with plants. It's not unusual or unique during lockdown times, and it's refreshing to have something in common, even if I don't really advertise it.